i was lost but not anymore

i'm not dead! but i did feel that way for a really long time and promptly abandoned this space for said really long time. (fyi i'm always available here, though.)

i'm choosing to forget most of the staid beigeness of no growth or inspiration that was last year, and (very) hesitantly but heartily welcome the new one. i'm all about the shiny newness... after the sheer laziness and thoughtlessness my sartorial choices had fallen victim to, i have to be!!

most of these words aren't really going to make much sense without a bit of context. in short, i job-jumped a bit for the latter half of last year, already being about 112% done with 2013. i was numb and had resigned to a kind of gloom i had not known before. i'm really more angry at myself for not even allowing this, my safe space, to not be safe anymore. 

and so, i rang in the new year on a mellow note and really just threw myself back into my japanese lessons full force. i regained my resolve to be fucking good and get back on track to chase the dream of working in tokyo. 

so that's it. 

right now as i'm getting all this out, i've regained all sorts of life. mostly thanks to the unwavering support of my dear creative soulmate who came all the way from new york to visit me in my third-world hell hole, and another bestie (also from uni) who i just met up with today... in tokyo. 

familiar sights, sounds, people, and that distinct euphoria that unfurls in my ribcage assures me of the realness of this moment. i feel like i've been fixed even though i didn't know that i was broken to begin with. i'm sure some of it has to do with my obsessive love for this place that lends itself to my weighty bias, but i really don't care. i feel how i feel. i don't know how the rest of this year will go, but i'm more determined than ever to not fall into the abyss as i did last year. fuck that; it's tiring and incredibly unproductive (the worst feeling imaginable).

my sight is clear again and all roads lead to tokyo.

東京、ただいま。
いつも、いつまでも、ここに帰るよ。

serpent rising

all the luck, please.

chinese new year just happened this past weekend; a belated 恭喜发财 to you, my dear reader! i wish you the best of luck and prosperity for this year of the snake (my year, woo!). 

the holiday hullabaloo have been an extremely welcome reprieve from the excruciating agony that is job-hunting. which, i admit, i've been doing half-heartedly since leaving my post at a publication that i was really enthused about. due to immigration-related complications, i've been unable to continue there and it's been more than a little disheartening. i'm still picking up the pieces of what feels like an epic disaster of a misstep on the journey to adulthood thing. 

but enough doom and gloom!

chinese new year is really ceremonious in my family. we usually go all out with the decorations, the food, the socializing, the visits, the food, the new clothes, the food... it's almost like thanksgiving just because of all the food. 

mee sua is for longevity and good health and stuff. also it's my favourite. 

feasting is a highlight of the celebrations, but for me, inevitably, it's always about being able to wear ALL the new clothes! this year, the new wardrobe mostly consists of JW Anderson x TOPSHOP delights with some random Club 21 goodies scored from the Bazaar last year. 

after much begging and bartering, however, the show-stopper is my 草間 彌生 x LOUIS VUITTON polka dot Lockit handbag. words cannot justly describe how much i emote and wax poetic about this one seemingly superficial addition to my wardrobe... and i don't want to try. i'll only say that Yayoi-san is a personal hero whose work i've greatly admired for years now and i want so much to be like her.

草間 彌生

also, we're birthday twins (22/03). there's that. which is awesome.

Second day of visiting: tao for Comme des Garçons top // JW Anderson x TOPSHOP skirt //  草間 彌生 x LOUIS VUITTON Lockit bag // Céline patent leather loafers

there's something about dressing in labels created by strong people that somehow, in my imagination, lends me the strength to assert myself the way i choose to. strength by osmosis, or something like that. i think there's something inherently human about fashion in particular, because we are so driven to embellish ourselves to portray the best version as we see fit. those aesthetic choices made is what creates that elusive "personal style".  

it is purely superficial, selfish and basic, and yet somehow, that's what i like most about the grey area between fashion and personal style.

thankfully, i share this concept with one of my cousins, who i staunchly believe was my twin in a past life. i count him as one of my best friends and he is the spine of my local support system. this makes chinese new year family reunions not only bearable, but downright enjoyable and memorable. 

he gifted me with this second issue of LOVE magazine on a whim, knowing how much i love Katie Grand. so lovely, right?!

while the festivities are indeed dying down now, they are far from over... so, thankfully, bitter reality can be kept at bay for a little while longer. job-hunting/soul-searching part deugh (deux) can continue after this week is over. 

freedom is not for free

22/03/11: Vivienne Westwood ring // tao for Comme des Garçons knit // limiFEU skirt // +J for UNIQLO leggings // y's x George Cox shoes

having spent five years in New York City on top of going to Parsons for university, i've come to learn more than i thought i ever could in the art of self-expression. i credit most of what i learned about the relationship between personal style and the freedom of expression to my time there - whether it was through the friends i made, the classes i took or the walks i would have through the gritty city streets. 

in retrospect, it was not a difficult time for me at all. it was a lot of work, but i didn't suffer.

but something just happened earlier today that made me realize why.

i have a dear friend who is unique in the extreme. and by unique, i mean for New York. Tokyo is her soulmate city, without a doubt. 

Tea & Sympathy was our thing, though. 

whether she knows it or not, she has been one of my ~silent muses~ as she dresses herself from the inside out. i've never met someone quite so self-aware, of both her aesthetic and her influences, and it's endlessly fascinating and inspiring to me. as a child of the internet, she opens herself to criticisms by people who take her at superficial internet-persona level and looking the way she does (and refusing with great adamance to not change it for anyone), she does. and often.

unfortunately, her online presence has attracted the attention of an even more unfortunate cretin in her class. 

some awfully disgusting judgmental things were said via an anonymous ask on tumblr and my said dear friend responded with a sharpness i've never been more proud to see her display. she is my beloved 後輩、so i feel very protective of her even though i know very well that she's capable of taking care of herself. 

it got me thinking about how this unnamed, cowardly waste of human life only reinforces how brave The Different, The New, The Unique have to be. it takes courage to not only find who we think we are, but even more so to dress the part too. while i do get hit with Special Snowflake Syndrome once in a while, i know for a fact that i do go out of my way to sometimes not "offend" people by the way i dress. which is ironic, considering how much i admire those who could not give two sh*ts. 

so i'm learning to let go, learning not to care as much and dress the way i want to and feel is right just for me.

starting with wearing these ugly-amazing deerskin sneakers by Number (N)ine x Converse again, in spite of them being a size too big, made for men and my mother wanting to set them on fire: