cannot even

in times of chaos, a need for some semblance of order emerges. 

in times of personal anxiety and uncertainty, a similar effect takes place in terms of sartorial choices. 

recently, i've taken to dressing in ways that allude to a more uniform state of being in response to the utter helplessness i feel like my life has been spiraling into for pretty much the entirety of this year so far. other than drawing and writing obsessively into the early, delirious hours of the morning, personal styling is a bit of a coping mechanism.

if i can't control where my life is going, at least i can control what the hell it is i put on my body and how i choose to put myself together. it's a fragile illusion of safety to be sure, but it helps at least a little bit... other than putting on some empowering music on really ear-thrumming volume, anyways. 

my brain right now looks like this:

which apparently results in this

off-duty "school uniform": J.W. Anderson x TOPSHOP jumper // TOPSHOP lace blouse // UNIQLO denim // Giles x HappySocks socks // Madewell tap oxfords (customized)

army of one: TOPSHOP Unique mix-fabric shirt // Y-3 tote bag // COMME des GARÇONS shorts // Dr. Martens 8-hole boots

ps i got new glasses (MASUNAGA is the make^) that look rather old-world and inspires an imaginary nostalgia which is rather nice because it lets me escape for a bit

reinterpreting darkness

i love the visual aspect of music makers. a lot.

i like most when i can immediately equate an aesthetic sensibility with their music.

on that note, the night before last, i watched these: 

"The Next Day", David Bowie

”ファッシオン　モンスター”、きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ

「"FASHION MONSTER", Kyary Pamyu Pamyu」

it should be noted, i guess, that it isn't my first time watching these music videos, but watching them both one after the other served as an inspirational forefront for this look.

i'm really fascinated with the use and interpretation of darker, sinister elements in any creative endeavour. Bowie and Kyary could not be more opposite as artists, but there is something to be said and applauded (i think) about their love for theatrics.

walking between the cute, the shocking, the macabre and the sardonic was what i was trying to get at with this look, i guess. maybe i'm just overanalyzing and just wanted to put a more girlish look together but using items that employ more "grown-up" darker elements to them?

(honestly though i think i'm still riding the cotton-candy flavoured high of Kyary's live concert i went to go see a while ago in Singapore, combined with listening to David Bowie's latest album on repeat right after. i just love them both so much!! in different ways but equally ardently...!)

ファッシオン　モンスター: Alexander McQueen scarf // McQ by Alexander McQueen tshirt // Uniqlo skirt // Givenchy backpack // HappySocks socks // きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ x adidas originals sneakers

this skull-print scarf is wholly overexposed as an item, i know. but it serves its purpose rather well, doesn't it?

these collaboration sneakers were sold out in Tokyo when i was there, but i happily came across them while i was in Singapore! they remind me of the gleefully gory Gloomy bear!!

kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it?

maybe my mind is in a dark place right now 

but simultaneously i can feel the constant urge to laugh to keep from crying; that sort of feeling. 

i don't know. maybe i just like an overstimulated brain.

(unnecessary sidenote: blogging is hard, major kudos to those who do it persistently and a hell of a lot more consistently than i do)

mother father GENTLEMAN

I interrupt normal blogging broadcasting for this important message

i think i'm a bit late to the boat, but i just watched PSY's latest viral hit yesterday and i'm completely unashamed to say that i'm rather obsessed with it!! i'm not a K-Pop fan by any stretch, but there's an unspeakable greatness i associate with PSY. 

it's probably the stupidly sharp and over-the-top styling i've come to associate with K-Pop as a whole, combined with just wanting to make his viewers laugh... and dance! as far as pop music goes, i don't think there's anything much better. a sense of humour is so refreshing in a genre that i think takes itself a bit too seriously!

GENTLEMAN : Henry Holland x LeSpec sunglass // Comme des Garçons x H&M shirt // LIMIfeu waistcoat // Triple5Soul sarrouel pants // Céline shoes

Gangnam Style: am i doing it right? 

i realized that PSY wore the same sunglasses in the MV, which was the basis for the entire look. i debated detaching the frilly lace bit off the waistcoat, but it lends a femininity that i think was necessary. still, i was leaning towards mother father GENTLEMAN!!✧ 

the end of wanderlust

i can feel my initial excitement over having a blog waning a bit... this is dangerous; i hate when my enthusiasm dims because it leads to me forever abandoning something or leaving behind something for so long that i'll always feel trepidation at the thought of picking it back up again. 

instead of wailing more though, i'm pushing through this blog-block of madness.

i've multiple reasons to be giddy with anticipation, but it mostly revolves around my trip to 東京 on Sunday!! i hope the intensive 日本語 lessons i've been taking these past few weeks will not fail me when i get there...! regardless, my potent wanderlust is about to be sated, and the excitement is taking form in my sartorial choices.

i like romanticizing the idea of travel, even if it is really rather troublesome in reality. the best way to grow as a person is to experience as much of what the world has to offer as possible. for me, 東京 is like an ocean of newness. it is a constant surprise that requires intensive navigation and on-foot adventuring. which, luckily for me, is my favourite way to explore and get to know a city. 

to project said adventuring and navigating, apparently my style-ey senses equated it to seafaring and nautical themes! which is rather ironic, because i've only ever been a boat twice in my life and don't trust myself to go on one by myself ever.

bonus: an Instagram moodboard! (of sorts!)
/link to my account is right there c: >>

across the South China Sea: Hawkings McGill men's shirt // Louis Vuitton tote // JW Anderson x TOPSHOP denim // Church's linen slippers

whales! seafaring! (pre-Thom Browne & Jil Sander whales, too!)

~Instagram Intermission~

have a great weekend!♡

look back

i just had my first 日本語 lesson in two years yesterday. it's good to know not all of it has dwindled away into nothingness, especially since i'm going to 東京 on 17/03!! i haven't been back to my soulmate city since 2010, and honestly, i still can't properly put into words how happy i am to be going back (even if only for a week). 

y's by Yohji Yamamoto shirt // Uniqlo denim // Topshop socks // Underground UK creepers

i hate how cliché this is going to sound, but i'm going to anyway.

i've had this lifelong love affair with Japan for as long as i can remember. i didn't actually go until the first time in 2006, but it's only served to reinforce my admiration. i make myself aware of its societal flaws and downfalls but my feelings has yet to sway. aesthetically and in terms of work ethic, as far as i'm concerned, Japan is the leader at both.

here, i had this idea to simplify my favourite 原宿/ZiPPER~esque proportion into really, just the basics. 

これでは。。。

oversize top

+

cuffed boy-fit bottom

+

rubber sole shoes

i like to think that it's both rather simple and effective, which is the best, isn't it?

lover of the light☆

sometimes, a Disney movie is better than Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer. 

sometimes, i prefer Anne Hathaway over Jennifer Lawrence. 

sometimes, dressing is an instinctual, organic process rather than being inspired by a specific muse/mood or heavier thoughts or ideas. 

what i mean is, i am rather... indulgent with the choices i make, sartorial or otherwise. i am both fickle and devoted with things i like love. when i grow obsessed with something, that's all that my mind will care to focus on and yet at the same time, somewhere in the background, i grow fond of its very opposite. 

i'm sure i'm not alone in this... right, fellow creatures who love too many things/too much at once?

i like examining why my brain works the way it does, because... because. my mind wanderings have led me to two things: 

this song is beautiful, this video is beautiful, Idris Elba is beautiful, everything is beautiful

and this essay by Junichiro Tanizaki i read for an art project back in secondary school, entitled "In Praise of Shadows". 

the essay was written in Japanese in 1933 before being translated into English in 1977. it discusses the differences between Western and Eastern aesthetics in pensive, highly visual anecdotes. Mr. Tanizaki's words continue to ring true to me and heavily inform both my wardrobe choices and my design work. 

sheen of antiquity: Topshop t-shirt // Y's by Yohji Yamamoto suspender trouseers // Y's x George Cox creepers

#details

look #3 from "Ephemeral"

look #6 from "Wandering Souls"

at the end of everything, i like extremities and jump from one to the other or once in a while, simply settle down in the middle quite happily. you see, my life is rather unexciting, so i often feel like i have to project my excess energy into my aesthetic pursuits. 

don't you feel like that sometimes, too?

black crows and peacocks

"fake it till you make it" has been my mantra since i was about 15. 

i've since learned how to edit myself quite carefully in public spheres... because no matter how much i pretend to be otherwise, i think i'll always be the highly sensitive child i remember being way back when. 

making the decision to start a ~fashion blog~ is one i've been deliberating for a few years now, and have only acted on it now because i feel like my confidence level is at a point that it can take the inevitable hits now. i used to devour other people's fashion blogs ravenously, finding one after another constantly inspired me because it was like having an entire collection of muses at once. 

my collection has since been re-curated, and now i follow much fewer blogs (and their bloggers) that have maintained ~*quality*~. 

one such blog is Style Bubble. 

Susie.

Susie Lau needs no introduction in the world of fashion blogging. she is a splendid kaleidoscope of a fashion enthusiast whose wardrobe is as diversified and enchanting as her text. i came across this post which linked me to the original article by Suzy Menkes of T magazine, which essentially bemoans the general ridiculousness of street style stars/bloggers who lurk about outside show locations during fashion weeks in New York, London and Paris, starving for attention from street style photographers.  

essentially, i read it as an Old Institution refusing (or is too slow) to learn and adapt to this brave new world in which anyone, and i mean anyone, with an internet connection and is somewhat/arguably articulate in stating their opinion can work their way into an industry based on elitism and exclusivity. 

nostalgia is the most selfish but the most human indulgence, and Ms. Menkes went to town with it in her article. this is all fine and good, but the fact is that the state of fashion now is its monster growth is rooted in its democratization. the very moment this beast called Fashion decided that it would appeal to the masses, the snowball was already rolling itself down the hill. everyone wanted a piece of the pie and the fact is that the internet made it possible. or, at the very least, it creates a most convincing illusion of accessibility being possible. 

with the fact being what it is, the grown-ups of the industry need to learn to play nice and quit reinforcing the awful stereotype of fashion people being nothing but uptight elitists who can gush and coo over fabrics and silhouettes among themselves and not truly, sincerely, welcome anyone new (and therefore new ideas/thoughts) into the fray. 

Fashion was my escape from the terrible, mediocre people who occupied the population of my secondary school years. it invited me in, telling me i could love odd things and those influences could be made fun or beautiful or thought-provoking... or all of the above. i fell in love and i still am, but it is things like this that makes our relationship a tumultuous one. 

/as a side note, i think it certainly has to be said that street style has existed and thrived long before Scott Schuman was around to tarnish it with his incessant egoism and so-called "high taste". but that argument is a whole other post. 

fighting purgatory

i saw Cloud Atlas yesterday. 

it was a stunning, moving film experience that did momentarily steal my breath in the best possible way.

watching parallel lives run their course and threads of fate interweave with one another on film, combined with still-fresh pensive thoughts on life and death after my step-grandmother's passing... the two had me thinking about "existence" in general more intensively than i had done in a long while.

what does being alive (or dead) for that matter really mean, anyway? 

i'm an emotive creature, so to me, i feel most alive when it feels like my soul has taken a gasping breath of life from purgatory-like sleep. the trigger varies, but it feels no less true.

watching in awe, excitement and completely succumbing to the magical suspension of disbelief during my viewing of Cloud Atlas makes me feel alive

and so, my soul still felt elation when i woke up today

but it also felt remnants of the existential thought processes that plagued me before that

Comme des Garçons pour homme blazer // JW Anderson x TOPSHOP t-shirt // Vivienne Westwood ring // Zara trousers // Church's slippers

Memento Mori: "Remember that you will die."

I had the image of this ~charming~ character from Cloud Atlas in my mind when dressing this morning

it's good to be constantly reminded of one's mortality; because we'd waste a lot of life-time otherwise. . . which i think seems to happen more often than not.

i really do hate to say it but... you only live once and all that. so best make it count, right?

serpent rising

all the luck, please.

chinese new year just happened this past weekend; a belated 恭喜发财 to you, my dear reader! i wish you the best of luck and prosperity for this year of the snake (my year, woo!). 

the holiday hullabaloo have been an extremely welcome reprieve from the excruciating agony that is job-hunting. which, i admit, i've been doing half-heartedly since leaving my post at a publication that i was really enthused about. due to immigration-related complications, i've been unable to continue there and it's been more than a little disheartening. i'm still picking up the pieces of what feels like an epic disaster of a misstep on the journey to adulthood thing. 

but enough doom and gloom!

chinese new year is really ceremonious in my family. we usually go all out with the decorations, the food, the socializing, the visits, the food, the new clothes, the food... it's almost like thanksgiving just because of all the food. 

mee sua is for longevity and good health and stuff. also it's my favourite. 

feasting is a highlight of the celebrations, but for me, inevitably, it's always about being able to wear ALL the new clothes! this year, the new wardrobe mostly consists of JW Anderson x TOPSHOP delights with some random Club 21 goodies scored from the Bazaar last year. 

after much begging and bartering, however, the show-stopper is my 草間 彌生 x LOUIS VUITTON polka dot Lockit handbag. words cannot justly describe how much i emote and wax poetic about this one seemingly superficial addition to my wardrobe... and i don't want to try. i'll only say that Yayoi-san is a personal hero whose work i've greatly admired for years now and i want so much to be like her.

草間 彌生

also, we're birthday twins (22/03). there's that. which is awesome.

Second day of visiting: tao for Comme des Garçons top // JW Anderson x TOPSHOP skirt //  草間 彌生 x LOUIS VUITTON Lockit bag // Céline patent leather loafers

there's something about dressing in labels created by strong people that somehow, in my imagination, lends me the strength to assert myself the way i choose to. strength by osmosis, or something like that. i think there's something inherently human about fashion in particular, because we are so driven to embellish ourselves to portray the best version as we see fit. those aesthetic choices made is what creates that elusive "personal style".  

it is purely superficial, selfish and basic, and yet somehow, that's what i like most about the grey area between fashion and personal style.

thankfully, i share this concept with one of my cousins, who i staunchly believe was my twin in a past life. i count him as one of my best friends and he is the spine of my local support system. this makes chinese new year family reunions not only bearable, but downright enjoyable and memorable. 

he gifted me with this second issue of LOVE magazine on a whim, knowing how much i love Katie Grand. so lovely, right?!

while the festivities are indeed dying down now, they are far from over... so, thankfully, bitter reality can be kept at bay for a little while longer. job-hunting/soul-searching part deugh (deux) can continue after this week is over. 

freedom is not for free

22/03/11: Vivienne Westwood ring // tao for Comme des Garçons knit // limiFEU skirt // +J for UNIQLO leggings // y's x George Cox shoes

having spent five years in New York City on top of going to Parsons for university, i've come to learn more than i thought i ever could in the art of self-expression. i credit most of what i learned about the relationship between personal style and the freedom of expression to my time there - whether it was through the friends i made, the classes i took or the walks i would have through the gritty city streets. 

in retrospect, it was not a difficult time for me at all. it was a lot of work, but i didn't suffer.

but something just happened earlier today that made me realize why.

i have a dear friend who is unique in the extreme. and by unique, i mean for New York. Tokyo is her soulmate city, without a doubt. 

Tea & Sympathy was our thing, though. 

whether she knows it or not, she has been one of my ~silent muses~ as she dresses herself from the inside out. i've never met someone quite so self-aware, of both her aesthetic and her influences, and it's endlessly fascinating and inspiring to me. as a child of the internet, she opens herself to criticisms by people who take her at superficial internet-persona level and looking the way she does (and refusing with great adamance to not change it for anyone), she does. and often.

unfortunately, her online presence has attracted the attention of an even more unfortunate cretin in her class. 

some awfully disgusting judgmental things were said via an anonymous ask on tumblr and my said dear friend responded with a sharpness i've never been more proud to see her display. she is my beloved 後輩、so i feel very protective of her even though i know very well that she's capable of taking care of herself. 

it got me thinking about how this unnamed, cowardly waste of human life only reinforces how brave The Different, The New, The Unique have to be. it takes courage to not only find who we think we are, but even more so to dress the part too. while i do get hit with Special Snowflake Syndrome once in a while, i know for a fact that i do go out of my way to sometimes not "offend" people by the way i dress. which is ironic, considering how much i admire those who could not give two sh*ts. 

so i'm learning to let go, learning not to care as much and dress the way i want to and feel is right just for me.

starting with wearing these ugly-amazing deerskin sneakers by Number (N)ine x Converse again, in spite of them being a size too big, made for men and my mother wanting to set them on fire: